I have a ton of reading that I need to do for psychology, but my neck is being especially painful. My whole neck and both shoulders are burning, stinging, and feel cold-hot, very much like the feeling you get in your fingers after you’ve been outside in the freezing cold for far too long. Every time I sit up to try to get some reading done, the burning, stinging, and pain starts up again. I’ve taken my painkillers, but they aren’t cutting it, and they make me even more tired than usual.
Mom will without a doubt try to convince me to let her read to me. Unfortunately, I have a hard time retaining information when it’s read to me. I learn and remember better when I can read for myself. Plus, I don’t like letting mom help me. It’s not because she’s not a good helper – she’s a great helper. It’s just that…it’s not her job to help me. I signed up for school, I should be able to do it myself.
I’ve always been stubborn when it comes to accepting help from others. I would sooner let myself get angry, become frustrated, and fall behind than allow someone to help me.
I have no idea why.
This stubborn refusal to accept help even extends to my dealings with doctors. I hate asking for help so much that I’ve let symptoms go unchecked for years, even decades. I get irritated with doctors who don’t ask the kinds of questions that pull information out of me, even though it’s my responsibility to bring things up and not theirs to drag it out of me.
A small part of me thinks that if I just opened myself up to people and let myself be helped, my life could be a lot better. Then, there’s the other part of me, the much bigger part that’s afraid of getting shot down if I open myself up.
I know I can choose which part to listen to, and that I should probably choose the part that’s telling me to open up. I just wish I knew how.